


crave

by kfender2300



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Gawsten, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mood Swings, Pining, anxious awsten, awsten knight - Freeform, geoff wigington - Freeform, otto wood - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 10:33:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18569632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kfender2300/pseuds/kfender2300
Summary: awsten knight is a lot of things. a loud, obnoxiously hilarious boy with frequently changing hair. known for his amazingly loud laugh, a smile that brightens up any room, and as it turns out, a lot of lesser known dirty secrets.





	crave

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys ahahaha  
> im writing this fic but yes i hate myself for it.  
> anyways this is my outlet, i am basically awsten emotionally at least. i have a boyfriend i'm just a depressed brat who loves gay ships too much. smh
> 
> so this is based on my insomnia and my anxiety, just a fair warning that this will get sad WAY before it gets happy.  
> but it really will get happy i promise  
> i love angst tho so bad  
> also first fic forgive me, i'm switching my major to english this coming semester so maybe i'll write something decent one day. and i can track my progress so thats cool. okay cool enjoy or don't, but leave kudos if you do!!!!! i have a very fragile ego and no self esteem!!

Another thing to note, Awsten is too good at hiding his emotions until he's not.

“awsten.”

he woke up. the aching weight of consciousness flooded through his muscles, or the lack thereof, as he groaned softly.  
Whatever his cheek was pressed against felt very different from his pillow, but he wouldn’t really remember what those felt like lately anyways. muzzily, he touched the battered blue surface and suddenly remembered exactly where he was.

he was curled up tightly, fully dressed and with an oversized sweater pulled over him serving as a makeshift blanket, on the small couch hidden in the backroom of the tour bus. There was a terrible cramp in his neck. he decides to finally untangle himself from his sweater despite the protest of his numb legs enough to rub it.  
“decided to take a nap?” jawn asked.  
“i couldn’t…um,” he said, the lag in his brain making his words clumsy. he paused, collecting himself. his mouth tasted bitter, filmy. “i ended up just staring at the lyrics, and i couldn’t get my hands to quit shaking. so i-so, i uh-“ He gestured to his nest.

his heart was beating uncomfortably under his ribs as his stomach churned. Sleep right after coffee had been a bad idea. Or maybe four cups of coffee before breakfast just did that. he couldn’t remember at that moment how much coffee it had taken to wake him up before.

“geoff said you were late this morning too,” jawn continued. 

dazedly, he stared at him until what he said went through. had he been late this morning? he thought that it’d been yesterday. yesterday had been… today was tuesday, he was nearly sure, and so yesterday would’ve been monday…

“yeah,” awsten mumbled finally. “i, ah, didn’t get much sleep last night. too many episodes of big mouth, lost track of time.”  
he hauled himself into a sitting position, and the world spun briefly. “or yesterday,” jawn reminded him, a worrying look crossing his features. he sat himself on the newly open space on the couch. “what’s going on with you, huh?”  
awsten sighed deeply, He didn’t know what kept him up at night, or maybe he did.  
He would never outright say it, but the look on jawn’s face said everything. there was no light-hearted joke to fool jawn, he frowned deeply at awsten but pulled his body closer to him anyways.

jawn pulled the small boy into his arms. awsten would never tell him what was bothering him last night, or the night before, or the past three months. every word he spoke was carefully thought out and calculated, at least when he had his beauty sleep. jawn was worried for him, the shadows under his eyes were only getting darker but this had been the third time since the start of the tour that he had found awsten curled up on the couch from exhaustion in the middle of the day. “we should probably go find everyone then,” awsten said, wishing he could just curl back under his sweater and forget his responsibilities for today. 

his head still felt foggy as they stood up from the couch and made their way off the bus. what he would do for a coffee right now would be alarming if he wasn’t awsten after all.

now sitting at a table with his fellow bandmates at some local coffee shop he missed the name of, he couldn't help the creeping feeling bubbling up. awsten was feeling out of place. everyone was loudly chatting and laughing about what, awsten wasn't sure. he couldn't keep up with the conversation really, but every few minutes weighed in on the current topic. coffee and dogs and the next show, just enough to make everyone laugh just enough to get rid of the worried glances passed between jawn and otto. awsten's eyes felt painfully heavy. he googled “how many coffees can you safely drink in one day” for the second time since he sat down. damn, he really wanted some coffee. 

jawn is laughing at his crude comments when it happens. the boy sitting in between the two, turns towards him with a look that makes awsten’s heart melt. god, he's so gay. the boy has started to speak but awsten wasn't listening, he was very good at pretending though. his inner monologue has still yet to register the boy’s speech, all he can think is wow, he looks so good today. and because he somewhat developed a filter, he doesn't say that. then the boy is no longer speaking, which reluctantly pulls awsten from his trance. what was he saying? he looks from the boy to jawn with a sudden fear pulsing through his veins. 

awsten decides his only defense is his subpar social skills, “i…uh..what now geoff?” and suddenly he wishes he hadn’t opened his mouth. he’s scratching the back of his neck when the boy's smile drops. “are you okay?” he asks with a worried look. geoff tries to catch his eye, hoping to search for an answer in his eyes, and awsten was not going to let that happen today. he rubbed his hand across his face, avoiding geoff's blue eyes. "just thinking about the show tonight, that's all," he steadied his voice with faux confidence in the lame excuse he decided on. geoff didn't seem too convinced but thankfully knew when to help his best friend out and changed the subject. he sighed quietly and focused on willing his hands to stop shaking. 

geoff smiles and awsten mentally swore at himself but couldn’t help but to smile back. he knows he must look unbelievably terrible, he hasn't showered in maybe a week(?) and the circles under his eyes could not get darker, he hoped at least. he was wearing a huge black sweater, pulling the long sleeves into his fist and twisting it around in a pathetic attempt to calm his nerves. he put his head down and wished to be back on the beat up couch in the comfort of the tour bus. he wished for a lot of things lately. he could hear otto and geoff talking animatedly and he wished that could be him, he had no energy lately. and he wished he had slept that night instead of thinking how this exact conversation could go, only to space out everytime geoff looked his way. it was pathetic, awsten was truly pathetic as it gets. he felt self aware of every little sound and every moment made in his line of vision, why did he have to be like this?

despite his better judgement, he ordered a coffee. awsten's coffee finally came and he moaned dramatically after his first sip, which made everyone laugh lightly. that was much more like awsten than anything else he has done since he sat down. he pretended to not notice the sweet smiles. “do you think i should dye my hair purple?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows with a silly grin. he wondered if anyone could see through it. jawn beamed at him,"that would look fucking amazing! you wanna do that later?" he nodded his head, finishing off his coffee. despite his protest,geoff leaned over jawn to ruffle his fading blue hair, awsten scrambled out of his chair with a dramatic huff making geoff laugh the loudest and most brilliant laugh. awsten quickly traded his heart eyes for a look of complete indifference. he cleared his throat and walked over to the counter in a "trying to be nonchalant but failing because i know everyone is watching" way, and scanned the menu. was he hungry? he was so bad at being a human being, when was the last time he ate? he stands there for a long three minutes before deciding on an apple from a side basket and yet another coffee. he felt nervous to walk back to the group but persisted anyways with a slight tint to his cheeks. damn them for giving him attention when he actually didn't want it. jawn caught his eye and raised his eyebrows with a smirk. that asshole didn't know anything. awsten mouthed “fuck off" with a sweet smile, sticking the straw into his cold brew coffee. damn, he could already feel his hands shaking from the caffeine or maybe, just the anxiety he was trying so desperately to ignore. jawn smirk transformed into a hideously smug and teasing smile, the kind that bares all his teeth and crinkled the skin around his eyes. he mouthed "get your shit together, knight." awsten wished looks really could kill, and he sure was challenging this with a deadly look set on his features. A warning look per se. 

and of course, this was a convenient time for his caffeine induced anxiety to bubble up again. awsten gulped as he did his best not to just curl in on himself, anxiety running through his veins with every sound which left him with an awkwardly tense posture that just radiated his fear. his arms were wrapped around his torso tightly and his spine was bent at the most uncomfortable curve while sitting down. geoff finally caught his eyes and they were so blue blue blue. and suddenly, all awsten could think about was the blue blue blue of his beautiful eyes. he needed to stop staring back, and found himself sliding his chair back suddenly, abandoning his coffee and apple. he wasn't hungry anymore, couldn't remember if he even was hungry in the first place now. his stomach was knotting and contorting itself realizing that he has interrupted any existing conversation. he forced a huge, teeth baring smile, "dudes can we please get some hair dye im so fucking pumped right now. i want to be a pretty plum boy already!" he playfully pouted, already heading out of the door.


End file.
